Do something loving for someone and report back! Ok Go!

I think I have said that others around you are a fantastic mirror into your own feelings about your self, but I focused on those behaviors that we project away from us cause we don’t want them.

But the same is true for qualities you admire in people. Think about it, if the judging qualities, really live in you, why not that persons boldness, or great sense of humor too?

So I have been thinking of my list of qualities in people I admire.

Jamie is such a Cow Girl! I love her rough and tumble style, her sass, spunk, and ability to run in the mud, get dirty, then go out that night as a pretty ladybug. I know I am thought of by people as kind of prissy, but what no one else (including myself) really knows is I want to get dirty! I want to go horse back riding, camping, or work on a car. I love being a girl, but it’s time this girls gets some dirt under her nails! It’s not like they are fake anymore.

Kelly is one of my most driven friends. She can run a desk and work her job like no ones business. I admire her ability to do it all and still keep a smile on her face. I love her optimism. I admire her strength.

Marianne Williamson and Gabrielle Bernstein are two of the boldest women I have ever had the pleasure of being in their presence. They can command the attention of an entire room, and not only lead a group in prayer or meditation but also speak to a deeper meaning in life that is so vital and missing from most others every day experiences. They also both have great style. They look good while they do good. They are the whole package.

Sharon is rooted in her emotions. That girl cries when she is sad, cries when she is happy and never looks weak doing it. She owns her emotions. They don’t own her.

Valerie is one of the most loving people I know. She is the Queen of her home. She loves her children with all her soul and loves her husband with all of her heart. She makes being a stay at home mom look like the most rewarding career in the world. She cooks, cleans, sews, is active in her church, a can do it all with a smile on her face while she battles a crippling illness. I love her southern charm, and how amazingly ladylike she is.

I started out believing in boxes. Everyone had one that was their life. I thought I could only be one thing not the other. I chose being a priss. But their is so much more to me than being a princess who never gets her hands dirty. I am more than an artist or writer, student, daughter. I want to be all of things I admire about all of the people I mentioned and a hundred more. And why not? After all I am a whole person, not just the fractured part I showed to the world. I want to meditate and go camping. Snowboard and paint, write and live. Command the attention of a room full of people when I speak, and relax by myself in my house with a book.

So for those of you who know me, its time to chuck the outdated notion of who I was for who I am becoming. I am becoming a whole person.

Friday night I read most of part two of the Shadow Effect, and well it had an effect on me. I had the feeling of being pulled under a tide of black water. It was warm and thick and did not show any promise of letting me go.

In a word, I was completely miserable. I wrote on here how I needed to mourn those parts I described. The short list of my demons I had never really exercised. But I also wasn’t sure how to have compassion for parts of my self I was clearly felt great sadness, regret, and sorrow over.

Well, it turns out that writing them out here was my compassionate way of expressing them and releasing them. I didn’t feel like anything had happened right after I posted that blog, At that time I wanted to go home to cry and sleep. But on my way home I got sidetracked into a desire to paint. I had these beautiful images in my head, but none of the tools I needed to create them. So I hit the art store and get a few things. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon experimenting. I have always loved the lines and technique of henna, and the freeness of watercolor so I began to combine the two.

I painted most of the afternoon and evening away. I didn’t think so much as I just allowed myself to free fall. Some of it was just trying different shapes and lines. None of it is finished or anywhere near perfect. Later, after I had exhausted all of my creativity, I settled in with my book and some tea.

I had put down The Shadow Effect the night before because it became to painful for me to read any farther. I just couldn’t take any more bad news. But when I picked it up again, and began to read I was overcome with so much light and positive energy.

I had made it through the really dark part only to be comforted by the beautiful things that got buried with my darkness.

It’s like when you least expect to be rid of something, that is when it goes away. I am sure that there will be days in the future like that where I I feel like the weight of my repressed pain is going to pull me under. But now that I am safely on the other side of that one, I can say that nothing, no one, past present or future are going to have an effect on me like that again.

“Miracles are natural expression of love. If they aren’t happening, somethings gone wrong.” ~ A Course in Miracles.

Post a miracle to the Universe below. Return in an hour and say a pray for someone else’s miracle. Sit back, relax, and breathe in what the Universe sends you.

I had a friend. We’ll call her Kristy. Kristy started dating a guy in January. We’ll call him Sam.

Sam’s birthday was at the end of February. Kristy wanted to make it a “birthday worth remembering”, so she organized with his friends for a big party. She rented a limo that took the group to dinner, a concert and finally his favorite bar. She spent over $750 on this shindig for Sam. She couldn’t pay her rent for the following month.

Sam graduated from college that May. Kristy spent months planning the perfect present for him. And a fortune on the elaborate set up. Kristy and Sam broke up in August.

Wish I could say this is an isolated incident. It’s not. Another friend, Amanda was dating a guy for a short while. He went on a trip and brought her back a key chain, coffee mug, and other assorted things.

It’s hard not to become blindsided when we are dating someone. I remember a few years ago when I went to Disney World for my brothers birthday. I also remembering how I searched every gift shop in that place for something with the character Sebastian on it. Guess what the name of the guy I was dating was?

I don’t think that myself or either of these other people had any desire other than to make the person we are dating happy or like us. But our actions can have the absolute opposite effect. Instead of bringing those we are interested in closer we actually, (and completely accidentally) push them away. Those nice things we got them, “just to remind them of us,” had the effect of hanging an albatross around their necks. The other person can feel trapped and wiggle their way out of our life in the quickest of speed.

I’m not saying presents aren’t appropriate. But somehow our generation has gone over board in the “things” department. Thank Hallmark for making everything a “moment” that needs to be saved. Or the movie industry.

My point being, we can’t (and shouldn’t try,) to buy ourselves into another’s heart. It’s costly financially and emotionally. It doesn’t work and the only thing that does work is if we are to just be ourselves and let the chips fall as they may.

I know it is the hardest thing in the world to not be attached to that person or outcome. when we “give it our all,” we want the payout. We want to win the girl, (or guy,) and ride off into the sunset. Our ego tells us that if this one doesn’t work, “We’ll never get another shot,” or it was somehow our fault. But it’s not the end of the world. As a matter of fact…

“In the end everything is perfect, and if it isn’t perfect, it’s not the end yet.” ~Marianne W.

But again, we don’t get to pick the kind of perfect. Our ideas of perfect are just too narrow. It’s based on our past… We are bound to repeat it unless we give it up.

Think about it… You are super attracted to a specific type of guy, (or girl.) or completely repulsed by them. You might be indifferent and your very well meaning friends tell you, some people click, and others don’t. Yes, that is true, but we take it to the extreme in our society. We make up our mind if we want to get to know the person before we decide to love them. But if you don’t love them first how are you going to really know that person? You can’t. Unless you stray out of your comfort zone you are going to repeat the same thing over and over again, and say, “that one wasn’t the right one..”

So, instead of giving it your all to the job or relationship, give it all to the Universe and know you’ll be happy with the outcome.

I love Audrey Hepburn. She was one of the wisest and most beautiful souls to ever walk this earth. I feel blessed to know that the Universe chose both of us.

All situations in your life are their for your benefit and soul growth… Now just because the lesson is a good one for you, it doesn’t mean you will enjoy the process.

Take the guy/friend situation that threw me for a loop and gave Lucy all kinds of fuel for her bon fire. I thought it was over, right… oh no, this guy had at least one more lesson to throw my way since.

Now the guy and my friend parted ways about a week ago. Not the best way of doing it, basically his ego took over and trashed the entire thing. I was thankful for this, because even though him and I had mended things as best as they were going to get patched up, I wasn’t exactly psyched that he was dating me friend. I personally didn’t think that in his current state he was good enough to date my friend. That is not to say that he isn’t perfect, a child of God, or part of the whole consciousness, it means that he had too much baggage piled on top of his perfection to date my friend.

So, this week while I have been processing their change in direction I had multiple break throughs. First, If he had dropped me for another person, one that I didn’t know, I would have still been in my original state of feeling wounded, hurt, unloveable, and like I didn’t get a fair shot. Even though it was painful for him to drop me for my friend, I got a unique look into what happened after he departed from my life.

When he left my life, I kind of had him on a pedestal. I was still in the honeymoon phase of dating, where we were both on our very best behavior and I really never saw a dark side to him.

My friend saw a lot more of him then I did, and she unfortunately saw the parts of him that he kept pretty well hidden from me. That was news to me. But something I wouldn’t have known if he dropped me for an unknown random girl.

I finally saw the truth in the statement, “It’s not you, it’s me.” The more I got of him through my friend, the less I wanted to have him around. I still saw the good part, but the bad was growing, and if I was in that situation I don’t know if I could have handled it with as much grace as my friend did. I might have forgiven and excused his bad behavior. I might have been bending over backwards to help him as much as I could cause he got such a shitty draw on things. I would have been blinded…. Actually, I would have been in the exact same place I was one year ago. Instead I was an outside observer. It was a do over of some of my less notable relationships where I wasn’t an actual participant.

For my friend, she got an enormous amount of learning out of the process too. She got to do over stuff from her past, and I have to say as of right now while I’m writing this I think she is pretty pleased with how she handled it. I’m proud of her too.

But, the punches keep coming, and Lucy has been throwing some of her most insane illusions at this. She’s a big proponent of judgement, judging him, his behavior and ruling on the side of scum of the earth. Which his how she rules ever guy I’ve ever dated, so I’m not surprised.

The fact his, he’s not. He’s just really wounded. He is a project. But he is not MY project, nor my friends, because we both have projects of our own. Their called, OURSELVES. We can’t fix him, and even if we tried, it would definitely not work. He has to fix it himself, and neither me nor my friend sticking around will help that process.

So instead of judging him, I offer this prayer to the Universe..

“GOD you know that both me and my friend would love to help this guy out, but we also know we can’t and only you can do it with his willingness. Please give him the courage, strength, and faith to come to you and ask for a miracle. Help him to be the perfect child of God that he is. Help him to forget his past, and future and focus on the present and eternity, where you live and are ready to change everything. Amen.”

Being able to say that prayer for him is a big deal for me. It is literally a miracle that I have this much clarity. We all make mistakes, but where we go wrong is thinking other people ARE their mistakes. He is not his mistake, nor am I my mistakes or anyone else their mistakes. We are all perfect and we are all learning. I hope my prayer reaches him. whether I ever know about it or not. I wish him all the best in the world. I hope from the bottom of my heart he finds happiness and peace.

I wish that for every single soul. Amen.

Some people might be horrified that I am writing this. Then again, I’ve got to say that I’m guilty of the same thing, multiple times, and will probably do it again in the future. Assuming I haven’t managed to learn my lesson now.

Some people in my life are a wealth of learning experiences. I’m kind of amazed especially since I would like nothing more then for them to just go away. But they keep popping up.

So since they keep coming around, and around and around, I might as well take advantage of the information they have to offer. This particular info came in the form of behavior. Kind of offensive, and rude behavior.

We make excuses for our own bad habits. It’s insanely easy to make excuses. Having gone through as much therapy as I have, I have a bag that would rival Santa’s full of reasons it is okay for me to act like a snotty, selfish bitch. I could tell you that I have abandonment issues stemming from my parents very messy divorce, trust issues from my relationships with most of my ex-boyfriends. I get really scared when someone (particularly men,) get angry or raise their voice any where in my directions since my drug addict ex Sergio beat the shit out of me with a baseball bat.

I could continue, but I think I made my point. Which is, we all have our shit, and we all have bad days, but that is no excuse to treat people poorly. I don’t really care if your dog died, truck won’t start or wife left you… None of it gives you license to be rude to others. If you think you’re going to be rude, or not nice, or down right mean…. Stay home. Don’t answer your phone. Pout on your own time.

Adding to my rant, (and I’m not delusional, I recognize a rant when I see one,) is the idea that, “If I didn’t mean to hurt you it doesn’t matter if I did.” BULLSHIT. Yes is does matter, because when you do something unloving, (regardless of whether you intended to or not,) it creates a reality. It’s also called Cause and Effect.

It’s a vicious cycle. But until you choose to love people, REALLY LOVE them, even when you don’t feel like loving them or they did something you didn’t like or you had a bad day or whatever then you will continue to be stuck in the same cycle.

It hasn’t been the funnest lesson that I needed to learn. It’s actually been pretty painful. But learning to think “Is what I am about to say loving or unloving,” is and was the best lesson I have ever learned. right next to forgiving (which if you could read my thoughts right now, I need to go and work on, since my feeling of forgiveness flew out the window last night.)

Sigh. It’s a process and I will be better for it when it is over.